"We girls and women alike long to be called beautiful. Little girls have pretty butterflies drawn on their faces while older women acquire exquisite diamond butterfly pendants"
“I remember when I was ten asking myself as well as older females in my life how a woman of God could actually be confident and beautiful, yet not portray herself as a feminist Nazi or insecure I-need-attention emotional whore. How can I become a strong woman without becoming harsh? How can I be vulnerable without drowning myself in sorrow?”
I had the pleasure of sharing a meal together with Ann and Wing Yan yesterday. Dinner was fantastic as expected. I haven’t caught up with Wing Yan since the beginning of the semester and I desired to hear about her journey in life.
Ann casually mentioned the book ‘Captivating’ over dinner. Coincidentally, I’ve been thinking about re-reading the book over the past few days. So, I picked up the book and read the first chapter. Every word, every phrase, every quote resonated with the contents of my heart. I was nodding at every sentence. I knew God was speaking to me through the author’s words.
Sue-Lee and Johanna gave me this book for my 20th birthday. I read the book a couple of weeks after that but nothing in that book really struck a chord in me back then. I remember that I felt ‘oh yeah, I can see where the author is coming from. I agree with her’ but nothing quite captivated me.
Over the past few months, God has stretched me and re-streched me beyond what I imagined. However, it did not make me weary but stronger. I love this phase of my life simply because I’m learning what is it like to be me. I yearn to know more about Him, I yearn to know what it’s like to be a woman.
This desire of mine to become a woman has only surfaced about two months ago. Before that, I never wanted to be a woman. I wanted to remain as a girl.
I wanted to still be daddy’s little girl. I wanted to be a princess. I wanted to be called pretty. I wanted to spoilt and showered with presents. I wanted to be doted on. I sought affection and affirmation from the people I loved. I wanted my partner to be there at my every need and my every call. I desired to be called beautiful.
I did not want to grow up because I had the preconceived idea that being a woman was about being independent, was about compromising all the time, was about needing less affection but giving more instead, was about receiving less attention. I did not want all that. So, I feared growing up. I feared losing a part of me when I lose my childish ways. I feared that I would be less playful which I believe is an important part of me. My fear was stopping me from moving forward.
But, I’m learning that being a woman does not mean you do not seek attention or all the abovementioned. Every girl or woman has an innate desire in them to be called beautiful. Each one of us longs to love and be loved. Each one of us craves affection from our love ones. Each one of us desires to be pampered. And no, it is not wrong to have these feelings. God created us this way just as how God created men to have a desire to fight battles.
And so, I’m learning what it’s like to be a woman. I do not want to join the feminist march and wear the pants in my future relationship. I want to submit to my partner and yet be secure and confident in myself. I want to be who God meant me to be – a woman.
I have always been pampered all my life and taken care of by older people around me. (In exception of me being an older sister to my brother of course) I felt happy being the younger one because that means less expectations, less responsibilities. But, I’m turning 21 soon and its time for me to grow up. Its time for me to step up and not think like a pampered princess anymore. I now have this new desire in my heart to raise other people up instead of wanting to be raised up by others. It’s a new feeling that I’ve not quite experience before. Its one thing to look after kids but another thing to take a slightly younger girl under your wing.
I long to find my worth in God and I’m trying to comprehend what it means to be dependent on God. I never really understood. Before this, whenever I had problems, I turned to the people around me. After all, technology allows us that easy access. I turned to others when I had this lonely gap inside me, when I felt a little down or when I seek counsel. However, I’m learning to first seek His face before anything else. That is why I’m trying to not get into a relationship so soon. Cause I need to learn to be independent. Finally, I’m learning what it means to be independent. I don’t want to get into the vicious cycle again where I draw my strength from others. I want to draw my strength from the right source. After all, He is our Creator.
I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
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