Intimacy

Here's a backdated entry from my other private journal for your reading pleasure. I thought of sharing this with you guys because it captured exactly how I felt at that particular time. Hopefully, some of you can relate to it in one way or another =)

There are days that I feel better and there are days that I don’t. And I wonder whether you love me any less than you did 6 days ago. And I lay in bed tonight wondering what is this connection that we have between us. I ask you so many questions all the time. Over the phone, in the car and on the bed late into the night - how was your first kiss? do you fear moths too? And many answers began with - you want to hear a secret? My ears will perk up, I will lean in and hold my breathe like its the biggest secret in the whole world. And when I’m allowed into your world, it felt like I was inside a secret, formidable place that not many have stepped into. It was beautiful that way.

To be precise, I started allowing you into my world from the very first day. Everything started during our first argument in the car (first of many to come) on the first day we met. In the heat of our fume and anger, I showed you the worst of me. I said everything in brutal truth and honesty. All pretenses were dropped. And that was how intimacy began…

Obama's inauguration

Dr Martin Luther King quoted by Obama, the 44th U.S. president: "Everybody can be great because anybody can serve"
........

What a fantastic speech. How often do hear world leaders deliver speeches that inspire people (even non-Americans) to live beyond themselves, to embrace traditional values such as diligence and honesty, to hold hope and faith in humanity once again despite the raging storms? I'm once again reminded that our works are also about service to others rather than just ourselves. It's a reminder that's much needed in today's global rat race.

"For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate"

Full transcript (Taken off CNN's website):

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.
Don't Miss

* Video coverage of Obama's inauguration
* Monumental expectations for Obama's address

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations

On a different note, here's what the most powerful man in the world looks like:


Check out his six packs! Good looking, intelligent, articulate, fit, tall, U.S. president. Tell me, what does he lack?

New blog layout

Finally, I'm back to blogging. I do miss writing in this space. Honestly, I haven't been blogging simply because at some point, I found blogging pretty meaningless. (I also broke my camera). I couldn't be stuffed updating on my daily mundane routines. I needed to find a purpose in blogging. So after much thinking and deliberation, I've decided to use it as a journal to jot down my journey of achieving my new year resolutions. This will provide me some sort of focus in my writing. Also, it will sort of hold me accountable for my resolutions. Hopefully =)

Anyway, I've been taking my vitamins and supplements every single day (Goal #11). Also, I've been starting my days with fruits in the morning (Goal #10). These two goals were easier to achieve than I thought. The first few days, I had to remind myself to do them. After a while, it became habitual.

I'm trying to start two salad meals per week. (Goal #9) I've yet to find a good yummy (emphasize yummy) salad recipe that require no sugar, honey or salt.

On a different note, I haven't been running this week. I blame the rain and the sun. It's scorching hot during the day and it rains in the evening!

This resolutions thing is difficult but I will work on it, one aspect at a time.

30 random thoughts in bullet point form:

1) I love my mac. I think I’ve mentioned that to almost every other person I’ve spoken to in the past two weeks. The mac has become a cult. It generates a mass following. It might be a tad expensive, but heck its worth it. I justify this by saying that with a mac, I desire to produce better work on it. After all, such pretty things should only be used to produce quality results. Or perhaps I’m too easily satisfied after using my old laptop that as a result of abuse (or wear and tear as I would to call it), had no working audio system, no working wireless hardware and a blank screen when turned on.

2) Speaking of which, I love my moleskin too. It’s really expensive for a notebook. After all, it serves the same practical purpose as a 1 dollar notebook. But, good notebooks tend to inspire, no?

3) I broke out in rash yesterday. Again. And I’ve been scratching. Urgh.

4) Been getting the travelling bug. I’m itching to travel. I’m thinking of visiting Cambodia. But I don’t want to go there just to see the usual touristy sites such as the infamous Angkor Wat. I actually want to be immersed in the culture. Perhaps spend a month or two there and do some volunteer work there.

5) Speaking of which, do you know Angkor Wat has only recently been discovered?

6) O, and it was used in the Tomb Raider set?

7) I also want to visit Turkey, Egypt, South America and Morocco.

8) I’m an introvert. I find joy in sitting in cafes alone, with a coffee, curled up with a book in one hand and a cup of coffee in another.

9) I’m actually doing that right now. Except that I have an orange juice in one hand (finished my coffee) and a mac on the table.

10) I still can’t work my wireless on my mac.

11) I realised I like my gadgets in silver. I have a canon ixus, an LG shine and a silver Macbook.

12) When I think I look too pale and tired, I try to wear brighter clothing. Hopefully, it will make me look a little less sickly. Then Ill hear less comments of, ‘Are you sick? You look so pale. You look tired.’

13) Yesterday, I didn’t eat the entire day till 9.30 pm and I drank water from the bathroom tap because there was a moth in the living room. I didn’t dare step out in case I encountered the moth. That cunning creature was laying low and was hiding. Hm, wonder what’s a moth life span. When will it die? Note to self: check it up online. Do you know a cockroach can live up to 9 days without its head and it only dies because of starvation? O, and do you know the elephant is the only animal that cannot jump?

14) I discovered guitar hero a couple of days ago. My favourite songs in guitar hero III are ‘When you were young’ and ‘Cliffs of Dover’. My skill level is currently medium. I find that I’m better at songs that require the swift changing of notes rather than rhythm. I’m not born to be a drummer.

15) This dude two tables away has been staring at me weirdly for the past 5 minutes. Sometimes when people do that, I check myself out and wonder whether I’m wearing my shirt inside out or something. Just like the other day, I wore my shirt inside out to the gym. I tried covering the tag at the side so that it didn’t appear too obvious.

16) I hate wearing my specs. Not only its aesthetically uncool but my eye muscles seem to be very strained from wearing them. It’s like holding up a dumbbell with a curled arm for a couple of minutes. And when you finally let go, you can physically feel your muscle relax. I don’t get that with contact lenses though. Does anyone else feel the same way?

17) Recently, when I’m bored, I play chess against the computer. Initially, it almost destroyed my self-esteem because I kept losing. Then I searched ‘help’ and I realise that I can switch the preference to ‘easy’. It definitely helped redeem my self-esteem when my pawn could easily eat the computer’s queen. Cheap thrill. But then I got bored because it was too easy.

18) I haven’t been taking pictures with my camera ever since my SD card died on me. I took a couple of pictures with my phone. Never thought I’ll succumb to such low quality pictures.

19) The kid I’ve been sponsoring have sent me two letters complete with drawings. I haven’t written back. Note to self: Will do it by this week.

20) Speaking of which, in one of my recent trips back, I’ve stumbled across my drawings when I was about 5 years old. It sure was ugly. And I sure wasn’t creative. It’s always a picture of a house with a sharp roof, two windows (no more and no less) and one door. Then, there’s a drawing of me, mum, dad, brother and maid. And of course, there’s the sun with a couple of clouds and birds. Perhaps a tree or two. When I feel more creative, I add a couple of flowers and fence.

21) In the past 3 months, I’ve only bought 2 pairs of stockings, 1 dress, 3 pairs of shoes and 1 pair of sandals. Kuddos to that.

22) But I will need to buy a fascinator soon as I’ll be going for the Melbourne Cup. I don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb being the only lady with no frills on her head.

23) When my house is dirty, I lose my appetite.

24) In my next trip to KL, I want to explore all the good food stalls at Petaling Street. I want to step into the little dirty alley lanes and try all the yummy food. I also want to go to ‘Pasar Malam’ and eat asam laksa, salted chicken and buy back ‘kaya pao’. For nostalgic reasons, more than anything.

25) I like street food. In my last trip to Bangkok, Cheryl and I ate street food every single meal except for that one breakfast we had at our hostel and our lunch at Pattaya.

26) In my next trip to Singapore, I want to visit Arab St, Little India and Haji Lane.

27) Be in a geek in something and I’ll like you. Maybe its because I want to be like you.

28) My little cousin’s attention span fascinates me. He spends two hours drawing every single day. At 6, he could draw cars in 3 dimensions. He even drew in details of rims, windows and headlights. He draws better than I do and whilst walking down Orchard road, he names all the cars we see. Once I pointed to a picture in a car magazine, which only revealed the car’s window because the rest of it was obscured by another car. I asked him to name me the car brand, thinking that he won’t be able to guess. He answered, ‘BMW’. “How do you know?” I asked. He replied irritatedly, “Haiyah, so easy. Just look at the window. BMW windows look like that. Don’t ask me such easy questions.”

29) Whilst reading the same car magazine (by reading, I mean looking at pictures), he pointed to model who was posing with a car. He turned to me and say, “why is her shirt so short (she wore a mid-riff blouse). She is so ugly, no need to wear so short.” Girls and cars. That boy starts young.

30) I’ve put on 2 kgs this year and I think its here to stay. How now, brown cow? I was going to wear this dress for the upcoming Melbourne Cup which I wore for Ann’s 21st 1 ½ years ago. But I realised that I couldn’t fit into it. I couldn’t even do up the buttons. I’ve removed the buttons and will be sewing them closer to the edges. Oh dear.

Backdated to last Saturday

p/s: Cant sleep to fall asleep. Its 3.30 am!

Tony Robbins speech: Why we do what we do and how we can do better?

Note: I realised that I said that I'm kinda on a blogging hiatus. Well, I've decided that I'm going to post up 'reflection/musing' entries simply because I'm still journalling anyway. Though in an offline mode. Feel free to comment but I'll only reply after the 40 day mark has come to pass.



Context taken from Tony Robbins speech: Why we do what we do and how we can do better?

There are six kinds of “needs” that everybody in this world experiences. We all need to fulfil these needs to some degree or another.

The six needs:

1) Certainty – everyone needs certainty in their lives either to avoid pain or to feel comfortable.
2) Uncertainty – but if there is too much certainty in our lives, we will feel bored. So we need variety. We need surprises.
3) Significance – people need to feel important. The fastest way to do this is violence. If I put a gun in your head, I am certain you are going to react in a particular way. It makes me feel significant because I am an important actor in this moment. To be significant, you need to be different or unique.
4) Connection – through intimacy, friendship, relationships, prayer, walking in nature.
These first four needs, everyone can find a way to fulfil it.

The last two needs are spiritual needs. This is where fulfilment comes in.
5) Growth– You must grow. E.g. a relationship cannot stay stagnant. It must grow. We all must grow. It does not matter how many friends you have, how many people you’ll know, you won’t feel fulfilled if you do not grow. The reason why we grow is so that we have something to give because the sixth need is to ‘contribute beyond yourself’.
6) To contribute beyond yourself – Life is about giving.


Take-home note 1: The question to then ask yourself is, which need do you value the most? Are you a certainty freak or an uncertainty freak? Whatever you need most tilts you in a certain direction.

Take-home note 2: Map. Everyone has a different map. Different people might want to head to the same destination but they may find different ways to get there.

Take-home note 3: Emotion: There are 6000 emotions. Explore you emotions and beliefs that are controlling you so that there are more of you that will be more giving and so that you can appreciate (not just understand – because that is intellectual) what is driving other people.

………

Thought #1:
I found this speech pretty useful because it really got me thinking. See, I’ve always known that I can be pretty unpredictable and spontaneous sometimes. You might catch me telling you in the morning that I might be heading to Cambodia for 3 months. 10 hours later, I’ll be telling you that I might be heading to South Africa for 6 months. The scary part is that most of the time, I’m actually giving serious contemplation to those ideas. My unpredictability scares me and frustrates me sometimes. Sometimes, to the point that I think I’m just strange or perhaps extremely confused. To a certain extent, I think I am confused at times because I’m still exploring my wants and my passions. I get that. But what frustrates me further is that sometimes I crave certainty. Hm, signs of a mixed personality? Heh, according to Tony Robbins, these are both needs in me but my need for ‘uncertainty’ is probably greater than my need for ‘certainty’.

I think self-evaluation tests are pretty useful sometimes because they help you recognise your strengths and weaknesses and subsequently learn to maximise on your strengths and downplay your weaknesses. In this case, I realise that I probably won’t enjoy a job such as say ‘auditing’ and would prefer something a tad more interesting.

Thought #2:
I realise that the ‘look beyond yourself’ need is pretty important to me. I’ve known that ever since I started visiting orphanages, old folks homes and other similar homes in high school (although I must admit I didn’t do it that often back in high school. Probably about 10 times). Hm…more on this next time.

Thought #3:
Significance. That is a pretty interesting one. They say the sweetest sound to a person’s ear is his/her name. The best conversationalist is a good listener. Why? Because it makes that person feel important. I must admit that I can be a pretty bad listener. I am making a conscious note to improve.

Okay, so the question then is how does one make himself/herself feel important. I must admit that what really frustrates me sometimes is when people use their weaknesses as a way to feel significant and hence, it stops them from fulfilling their potential. For example, when someone says, “I don’t know why but I’m different from others. I get a stitch after running 100 metres even when I’m running slowly. Seriously, I do. Maybe I’m born like that. I would like to pick up running but really, I just cannot.”

I think sometimes I do that too – that is use my weakness as a way to feel significant. Can’t think of any specific instances right now but I’m pretty sure there are some.

I find that the best question to ask yourself when you want to know whether you do that is, “why did you fail to achieve that specific goal you wanted to achieve?” Did you give an answer that was within your control? Example, “I had bad time management. I shouldn’t have procrastinated. I didn’t seize that opportunity when I should have.” OR, did you give an answer that was out of your control? Example, “I don’t know. Bad things always happen to me. Maybe I failed cause God wanted to close that door of opportunity.”


Thought #4:
Emotions that control me: I’ll just focus on my negative emotions here. The dominant one is self-doubt. I get this comment from people sometimes, “You should believe in yourself a little bit more. You have a lot of potential. You can go far as long as you believe in yourself.” Yeah, I experience self-doubt a lot and it’s a constant battle. At least I recognise that I’m in a battle, I guess.

The world is your oyster

Honestly, this year hasn't been the easiest for me. A lot of changes have happened. I've become more socially reclusive than I've ever been. I've started to dislike deep conversations because it meant searching myself for answers that I do not have. It means facing questions that I rather not face. I have gone through every emotion possible to a great degree - anger, bitterness, happiness, confusion and the worst of all, indifference. In my opinion, saying "I couldn't be stuffed anymore" is the worst of the lot. It represents the lost of hope, the candle blown. My indifference have caused me to make mistakes that I wish I didn't make. In turn, my indifference have hurt others and myself. And I wish I could take it back but I can't.

Fortunately for me, I'm beginning to get over that phase of my life. This year has been hard because I find myself searching for my own identity once again. Asking the hard questions again - what's my purpose in life, what am I truly living for, how should I define success, what kind of life do I want to lead. And then I began doubting myself - have I been leading my life all wrong the past few years? What could I have been doing with my life? And what should I be doing with my life? Why am I shortchanging myself? Where does my passion lie? Where's my drive to strive and succeed? Am I really who I think I am?

And I'm still searching. Well, at least for now I'm beginning to search for answers in the right places. And most of all, at least I've stopped being indifferent.

The world is my oyster.

I think I will be okay.

A country in distress

Malaysia as a nation has gone through much distress the past one year. The most recent event was the detention of journalists using the Internal Security Act. Under this draconian Act, the government is allowed to detain without trial those who are said to be a threat to the national security of the country. This Act was first legislated many years ago during the Communist time. Singapore also has a similar Act in place but the Government has not detained anyone under this Act for the past many years.

For the first time in Malaysian history, journalists are detained under this Act. The National Union of Journalists (NUJ) has condemned the Government's usage of the Internal Security Act to intimidate the media. This is the ultimate restriction on freedom of speech. In Singapore, the government is said to use civil defamation suits to silence the opposition. In Malaysia, the government detains the opposition without trial. I've read reports on how detainees are treated. Let's just say their experiences in the detention centres weren't pleasant at all. Apparently, one journalist, Tan Hoon Cheng who was detained yesterday and released today reported that she was treated well in the detention centre. Perhaps its because the government is now under the watchful scrutiny of the world. Who knows. RPK, the editor of Malaysia Today has also been detained and is still being detained as he has allegedly posted articles deemed seditious and that also belittle Islam.

Sigh, it seems like Malaysia as a country is only moving backwards in terms of its civil liberties. It's really saddens me to watch the leaders of my country which I call home, blatantly abusing their power and using the Act as a convenient tool to silence journalists who merely lay out facts in the open. After all, isn't that the job of journalists - to deliver untainted news to the public?

Wind of change: It was only 4 years ago, in the second last election that the Barisan National Government won the Federal election with almost the full support of the nation. This year however, during the recent election, it wasn't such an easy win. Why was there a wind of change? Here are the possible reasons:

- Malaysians are tired of the poor leadership of Barisan National. They are tired of a leader who is indecisive and hasnt seem to make a single good decision in the past five years. With sky-rocketing inflation and an almost unsustainable standard of living in Malaysia for many Malaysians, the nation is starting to point fingers at the poorly run Abdullah administration.

- Malaysia as a country turned 51 as of 31st August 2008. The 50 year old mark was a wake up call to Malaysians. Being young is not an excuse anymore. We started on par with countries like Singapore. Look at how far Singapore has developed and how Malaysia is only inching upwards, if at all. Malaysia is sick of the corrupted Barisan National government. However, the Abdullah Administration is not solely to be blamed. The nation is sick of the Barisan National leaders, both past and present, squeezing the citizens of their hard-earned money only to pass it to their cronies. Think Samy Vellu, Rafidah, Khairy - one wonders how much money has been squandered.

- The coming age of the virtual world. It is said that the Internet has helped to win votes for the Opposition like how it has helped Obama in his campaign. With alternative online newspapers like MalaysiaToday and with bloggers like Jeff Ooi , Malaysians are more aware of the true state of events in Malaysia. Objectively speaking, one cannot say for sure that what is published in those alternative virtual newspapers are 100% accurate but what we know is that the traditional mainstream newspapers are blatantly biased. Traditional media in Malaysia is greatly suppressed by the Government. Annual licenses can be revoked if papers are found to be displeasing in the eyes of the Government. For example, the license for Harakah, the official opposition party PAS newspaper was suspended after seditious articles were alleged to be published. Aside from that, almost all mainstream newspapers are controlled directly or indirectly by Barisan National.

I'm anxiously waiting to see how the upcoming events will unfold. Anwar, please deliver what you have promised. He may not be the perfect leader and it may seem that he is supported out of default but take a look at the politicians in power. I say he is the best we got.

Living with chromosone Y

My parents have been down visiting us kids in Melbourne the past week. Hooray to sparkling bathrooms, lemon-scented kitchens, warm soups and hearty home-cooked meals. A double hooray because I hardly lifted a finger doing any household chores the past week. And of course, a triple hooray for their company.(obligatory statement – just in case, they read my blog =D)

Despite me enjoying my parents company, I find that the apartment is a little cramped for the four of us – its like we are breathing down each other’s necks at times. It doesn’t help that my brother’s laptop wireless is spoilt. So it does get frustrating with the four of us (okay three because my dad doesn’t use the Internet) sharing just one laptop. And its MY laptop. I have this thing about sharing my laptop. Firstly, I keep all these online and offline private journals in my laptop. It doesn’t help that I’m can be pretty careless at times. Plus, I don’t have my files backed up so I’m always afraid that my computer may crash one day. (and ill lose all my photos!) Also, the courtesy of door-knocking is not exactly practiced in my family. I’m getting used to the sudden barging into my room. Oh, and one day I woke up to realise that my phone is not by the bedside table. My mum has taken my phone to call a friend of hers. Real intrusion of privacy here.

I think I can be a real introvert at home. I must firstly state that I LOVE having guests over. I have guests staying over all the time. I love hosting friends and family (*hint hint*) but I never actually had a permanent roommate my entire life. I have been pretty pampered and never had the need to share a room with someone else. So the idea of a person barging in and out of my room at their own will and using my computer at their liberty comes as a shock to my system. Which got me thinking actually. How am I ever going to get married, sleep on the same bed as someone else, share the same cupboard to store our clothes, share the same laptop and give the other person the green light to look through my stuff without the need for an invitation. How am I going to come to terms with the fact that there might be accidental usage of HIS towel (ew…chromosome Y’s towel!) Having a person stay over once in a while is one thing. To live with another person and share the same bed PERMANENTLY is another. It’s like being completely vulnerable, transparent, open and accountable to another person. That’s marriage my dear friends, and the prospect of that scares me. Oh well, I still have a couple of years ahead of me…till then, these will just be nonsensical ramblings and fleeting thoughts =)

p/s: I just bought a web cam. It’s pretty cool. Except when my little cousin constantly wants to webcam with me…hm…a little self-conscious cause I must be all proper and adult =) I’m sitting with my back straight up and making sure I’m decently clothed now cause I’m on webcam with my cousin. You know, I got to set a good example =D

My cousin was just telling me on msn that she has to sew this blouse for the living skills subject. I conveniently forget to tell her that I merely sent my sewing project to the tailor and got my maid to do my woodwork. Ignorance is bliss =D I guess, its like how my older cousin conveniently omitted details of his wild partying days, his high life days back at uni, probably strutted down the streets with a girl in each arm, wearing a Hugo Boss shirt tucked into his Armani trousers and with the car keys to his secretly-purchased-car in his pocket. He only recently revealed his cheeky stories a couple of months ago which gave me a jaw ache from all the gasping. And now, he is happily married with a kid to boot =D

pps: my goodness, my 9 year old cousin just added me on msn!! Its 11 pm back in Singapore. Shouldn’t the kids be sleeping by now? Gee…

Time is Opportunity

I've been nothing but a sloth the entire last week. Initially, I blamed it on the jet-lag, the travelling and the cold. Later during the week, I couldn't come up with any other excuses. It's time to buckle up.

Make the most of time by Joyce Meyer

We are to buy every opportunity we can to fulfill our purposes on earth, which is to love God and others. Verse 17 says, "Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless and foolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lord is." Get alone with God to make sure you know how to use your time today.

Back in Melbourne

I took in deep breaths of the crisp Melbourne air, if only to familiarise myself with Melbourne again. I’ve been gone for only a mere month but it feels like a year. It felt strange putting on a jacket, a scarf and stockings. It didn’t help that my ATM card couldn’t work at the airport today. Has the one month made me forget my pin number? And then, my house keys couldn’t work. I stared at my apartment number for a good ten seconds. I was at the right apartment, I think. I tried turning the key again but the doorknob wouldn’t turn. Luckily, my brother was home and he opened the door for me. I need to oil that doorknob.

Just before, I stared at the fifty dollar note in my wallet, only to realise that it wasn’t Australian but Singaporean. I forgot that the Australian one was yellow. A messy collection of coins sit in my wallet – Australian, Singaporean, Malaysian and Thai. If anything, it signifies the amount of travelling I’ve done. Right now, I’m quite happy to rest. To sit in bed, do some light reading, edit my photos and plan the week ahead.

Home

I love taking showers. I love feeling the water flowing down from the top of my head and into the little hole at the bottom. I love hearing the sound of water. It’s soothing to hear the constant flow of water. Like the waves lapping up on the beach. The thing is, I think a lot when I shower. Today, I thought about how my heart is torn into two. How I call both places home – Melbourne and Kuala Lumpur. How I’ve been doing that for almost 6 years. And how tiring it is to do that for 6 years. The point is sometimes I don’t find a reason to build new friendships during my holidays back in KL. Because, the point is I’ll be heading back and the friendship will somehow…vanish over time. It always happens I suppose. And I should know because I’m so used to it. It’s like meeting new people when I travel. We promise to exchange contacts and photos. But really, the photo exchanging session rarely happens. Soon, we learn to drop our expectations and when the session actually takes place, it’s actually a good surprise. It’s a matter of handling expectations.

I like both places – Melbourne and Kuala Lumpur. I can’t imagine myself permanently removed from Melbourne. Melbourne has become a part of me. I’ll miss the city, the little cafes located in the quaint little lanes, the good breakfast places, the parks, the jogging tracks, the beaches and mostly friends who have become almost like family. When I was in Perth, I tried to pretend that I’ll be leaving Melbourne for good and perhaps, moving to Perth. Don’t get me wrong, I love Perth but I was quite upset even when I knew that this was a mock play in my mind. Where are the little cafes? Where are the cool bars? Where’s the graffiti on the walls? Where are the good coffee joints?

By the same token, there’s so much of KL which I love. I grumble and rumble about this place, it’s lack of security and the corruption and political instability. But then again, I did grow up here, eating at the hawker stores and having countless yam char sessions at the mamak stores. I remember the weekly pasar malam sessions, my weekly trips to Holiday Villa, my yearly pilgrimage to Penang and routine meet ups in the shopping centres. Of course, and my friends whom many I’ve known for ages.

See, my heart is torn into two. It’s tough being an international student. It’s tough when you ain’t quite sure where home is for you. They say home is where your heart is. But I don’t know where my heart is. Right now it has a slit right down the middle

Post is slighlty backdated. Was written last night

the bitter pill

In physics, we learn that energy cannot be destroyed. It can only be transferred. Anger can be turned into positive energy or a negative one. When life throws us lemons, we make lemonade. Anger. It’s an emotion that I’m quite used to these days. Being angry at him, her, him, her…and myself. Mostly myself. Because really, pointing fingers would not change the course of our lives. The earlier we swallow the bitter pill, the quicker we move forward.

So the other day as I was walking down the streets of Melbourne, I thought if I could turn back time, what stage of my life would I wind the clock back to? My first thoughts were - 1st year of uni. Then, I thought, actually, I might go back to college. Thinking about it more closely, actually, I might head back to high school. Then, I thought that in fact, I wanted to repeat elementary school all over again. I would have taken up more extra-curricular activities, perhaps join that chess club, take up martial arts, to take up competitive swimming. At the end of my futile exercise, I realise that regrets will always be present in our lives. Simply because we make hundreds of choices every single day. The choice to take responsibility for our actions. The choice to say yes. The choice to say no. The choice to eat that cheesecake. The choice to raise your voice. The choice to tear someone down. The choice to edify someone. The choice to be a deco of the backdrop. The choice to make a difference. I counted the approximate number of years I have left to live. Assuming that I’ll live till I’m 80 (not any later because I don’t want to be left with no friends and to be a burden to my family), I can live three times longer than the life I already lived. That’s a pretty long time. So why look back when there’s so much to look forward to.

I think the biggest procrastinating exercise is wallowing in your regrets without conjuring any solution forward. I call that ‘unstrategetic thinking’. Some call it ‘self-pity’. It’s something I’ve been trying not to do. Why engage in such unnecessary time-wasting exercise.

Choices. It’s a gift we humans been given I suppose.

My chronic disease

There is one serious flaw about me. I’m a klutz. Seriously.

Today I told myself that I have to try really hard to not drop anything. Failed. Miserably. For example, this afternoon, I took out some ingredients from the fridge to cook fried noodles. While trying to balance a quarter of onion, a carton of eggs and a container in my hands, I almost dropped the eggs on the carpet~! That would have been disastrous. I quickly stuffed the eggs back in the fridge. In the midst of the chaos, I dropped a box of ‘chee cheong fan’ on the carpet. The box plonked open and the soy sauce drenched the carpet and in matrix style, the droplets of soy sauce painted the walls with eeky dark brown stains. My jaw dropped because that meant hard work. I hate cleaning the carpet. I cleaned it last week because wine was spilled on the carpet. And a few weeks before because I broke my eye shadow and the loose powder stained the carpet. Anyway, I quickly grabbed the stain remover cleaner and odour removal cleaner. Surprise, surprise, I dropped one of the bottles on the floor. Was absolutely disgusted with myself. And just a couple of minutes ago, I dropped my pen, and literally 30 seconds later, my laptop adapter. “Very lady-like,” was what a friend of mine commented the other day as I stumble over a chair.

As I was frustratingly blotting out the glaring stains, I remember telling myself that I would learn to be less of a klutz when I was a little kid. That meant not dropping food all over the floor and table every single dinner. haha. Never worked. I remember holding a bowl of fried rice and just dropping the entire bowl on the floor. And toppling my entire bowl of cereal on the floor. Actually, I thought I was quite smart because I intelligently placed the bean bag over the evidence. I was quite proud of my deceitful plan. Little did I realise that I was the only one in the household eating Kellogg’s sugar cornflakes.

This klutziness is like a chronic disease I tell you. It’s something I can’t get rid off. Oh well, my saving grace is that I have reasonably good reflexes. I can’t recall the number of times I almost humiliated myself by almost tripping down the stairs or being a split-second away from falling on a FLAT road. Most times, I manage to regain my dignity by holding onto the railings and acting all adult about it – which is of course, pretending that the last 10 seconds were wiped out from history.

Sigh. How now brown cow?

Solitude

I strutted my way along Swanston St as I headed back home. I like the sound of my thongs against the pavement. It has a consistent rhythm to it. Like the sound of the second hand on the clock in the middle of the night. I like the cool breeze against my cheeks. It reminded me of Japan when the snow flakes melted on my face. Only this time, it wasn't as cold. I took an intentional breathe of air and tried to breathe in the smells of the city. It was a concoction of smells - smells of a city that's about to go to sleep. I smell alcohol. And cigarettes. And car fumes. And food. A few bars were still open. I hear people laughing. I hear music pumping.

I stopped by Starbucks and deliberated whether I should get myself a cup of latte. I haven't had my dosage of caffeine today. So, one cup shouldn't be too harmful. A bloke behind the counter served me. A familiar face. He has been here for at least 6 months now. He winked at me before taking my orders. Pulling off his usual charm on girls. I've seen him done it a few times. That's his way of making his customers feel comfortable I suppose. His colleague, a petite Asian girl, was the cashier tonight. Another familiar face. I still remember her first day at Starbucks. The temperature was rocket high that day. Starbucks were full of patrons - taking advantage of the shade and air-conditioning. She was running around like a flustered chicken, mixing up some orders and being reprimanded by her supervisor. She still has the tense look on her face. I wonder why. Starbucks was pretty empty tonight. My order was ready within 2 minutes. I grabbed my coffee and decided to call it a night.

I guess this is what solitude does to you. I It makes you more aware of your surroundings. It makes you observe. It makes you learn.

p/s: I just finished my latte. I wish Starbucks made more decent coffee. The froth looks like foam that floats on the surface of a bubble bath. Except that its slightly brown. Well at least, its not burnt.

A delayed confession

I admit that I havent been pausing to do a self-check for quite some time. Every morning, as I get ready for the day, I notice a pair of eyes, my nose, lips, skin, eyebrows and perhaps some blemishes staring back at me in the mirror. And that's that. Only my physical features. It's like I've forgotten who I really was inside. I havent really seen my reflection of the real me for quite some time. I was starting to fear that the real me might disappear and be replaced by a creature I didnt quite like. A creature with a harden heart and softer hands and feet. And so, I took a real look at myself today. I took out my journal, pressed out a clean page and began to write.

I'm at a point where I'm uncertain of the ideals I'm holding. When one is uncertain of one's identity, one becomes insecure. Of course, there's a few basic mantras that I constantly recite to myself such as - make sure your actions are not at the expense of others, treat others like you like to be treated, everyone should be given a 2nd chance, forgive because if you don't, the only person you'll hurt is yourself. That being said, I dont like my insecurities bouncing off others - unconsciously it happens. I caught myself red-handed the other day when I found myself casually dismissing someone's ideals. I found myself silently mouthing the words 'seriously...get real'. Though on the balance of probabilities, she'll probably find herself caught in her failed reality, who am I to dismiss her. Where's the hope and the faith. There's a mantra that I recite to myself once in a while- for all those who do not believe that they can, step back and stop holding back those who believe they can. So, for my own sake, I should stop being a hypocrite and start pulling my act together. To love is to hold hope and faith in firstly, yourself and and then, in those around you. That's why its said ' to love your neighbour as you love yourself'. How do one love his neighbour when he cannot first love himself. I now understand.

Managing expectations

Expect more of yourself and less of others OR

Expect much of others but giving them the grace to fall short of your expectations

Clutter Part II - Post spring cleaning review

Who said spring cleaning is therapeutic? What rubbish! So I cleaned about 12 hours in total - over Thursday night, Friday day and last night. Seriously...the cleaning stressed me out. A mere glance at the pile of rubbish I had to throw out or the layers of dust under the bed gave me a headache. What is therapeutic is the result of spring cleaning! Ah...now we are talking. Okay, so last night was my first night in the comforts of my post spring cleaned bedroom. Well, I dreamt that I was shooting a gun somewhere in Brazil. That being said, I still slept well...woke up at 7.30 am today without the need of an alarm clock~! (Miracles do happen)

So, I conclude that clutter do disturb one's sleeping patterns.

....

Btw, I just got back from Wilson's Prom. I loved it but I'm pretty wounded. Open wounds, blisters, approximately 50 insects bites on me, rashes breakouts...argh....God, make my body more resilient.

Clutter

Enough is enough. Last night, I dreamt I was kidnapped onto a ship. I woke up feeling tense and had to consciously relax my muscles. The other day, I dreamt that my house was robbed and we had to hide in the cupboards. I woke up at 6 ish in cold sweat and tried to calm myself down before going back to sleep, only to find that it was a mere intermission between nightmares. The robbers returned to my house after they were dissatisfied with their loot and our mysterious disappearances. I realised that I tend to get more displeasing dreams whenever I'm back in own bedroom in Melbourne. Perhaps, its because of the clutter in this bedroom. Well, clutter (be it, literal or mental) makes people uneasy/stressed, and therefore...you get more nightmares?? (What do you guys think?)

So,I attempted to do a big spring cleaning session today. I'm basically throwing everything out I do NOT NEED. (discounting personal cards/letters/presents from friends/loved ones of course) I'm like 1/10 done...and it looks like a tornado went through my place. My only consolation is that my study table has absolutely no clutter on it. I divided my clothes into three piles - 1)clothes I currently wear 2)clothes I do not wear but might wear one day 3)clothes I'm going to donate. I'm thinking of just donation pile 2 as well. But...its hard to give/throw away those clothes. Almost every blouse I picked up had some sort of sentimental value - a blouse that reminded me of that shopping spree, that party, that dinner, that outing...I even found my first spaghetti "grown-up" top I ever bought in my life! haha...I'm definitely keeping that one and might even wear it this weekend - if I can still fit into it that is. I went through my old pile of tops and cannot believe I once could fit into those - they look more fitted for an 8 year old. Goodness.

I never liked spring cleaning - its too much work on the brain (trying to remember little details of the past) and its too physical...~!

Myth of attraction - Realisation

The thing about us girls is that many of us walk around holding invisible checklists of what we want in a man. Some lists would have criteria such as “sporty, charismatic, intellectual, romantic” while others would have criteria such as “confident, charming, musically inclined etc” I’ve come to realise that what attracts us to a person in the first place maybe the very thing that repulses us. For example, if one likes a girl because she is submissive and of a shy nature, the person might end up being frustrated with her because she seems overly dependent and sticky. In another instance, if one likes a guy because of his confidence, his confidence might then be viewed as arrogance and cockiness. So really, when months and years pass, all that initial attractiveness may die together with the years. Perhaps the most important criteria to be found in a partner is his/her character. His/her integrity, honesty, unconditional love, etc. That will remain constant. You can’t be repulsed by your partner’s honesty. You can’t be repulsed by your partner’s unconditional kindness. You can’t be repulsed by your partner’s integrity. And so, I conclude that, though we choose our partners base on chemistry (which comes very naturally with the whole checklist), most importantly, we should base it on his/her character if you want your relationship to last.

I know its simple truth but, sometimes, simple is hard.

Projecting your insecurities

Sometimes it's tough being around people who are very insecure (I guess to a certain extent, we all have our insecurities). Unconsciously, we project our insecurities onto others. For example, I have a friend called A (let’s call her A). Though I more often than not, enjoy her company, I have to admit that I never felt a 100% at ease with her. I remember picking her up once from her place. Immediately, upon ascending into my car, she exclaimed, ‘You have a huge pimple on your forehead,’ before rolling her eyes up and down my body to scrutinise me further. I looked at her and said, ‘yes, I noticed.’ This is in addition to frequent remarks of, ‘hey, you lost weight and you should eat more,’ before she rambles on about her frequent diet regime failures. At one point, I was pretty frustrated and told her that true friends do not treat friends this way. At this point, I contemplated spending less time investing in this friendship because really, it didn’t do good for my self-esteem plus it’s hard to enjoy one’s company when one is constantly scrutinised. Thankfully, she recently realised that she is indeed not fat (the opposite really) and she has finally accepted her body size.

Anyway, the point of this ramble is that I myself have my own insecurities. I realise that sometimes, I do not share someone’s joy as much as I should simply because it’s something I yearn for but do not have. I don’t really want to be a person whom other people do not really feel at ease with. There’s a lot to learn this 2008. Speaking of which, we are already in the second month of 2008. Time really flies. Seize the moment.