Encountering God

In the quiet,
In the stillness
I know that You are God.
In the secret of Your presence
I know that I am restored
When You call I won't refuse,
Each new day again I'lll choose

The is no one else for me,
None but Jesus.

Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise.

In the chaos, in confusion,
I kow you're sovereign still.
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will...

All my delight is in You Lord.
Forever more.

This song has never held so much meaning for me before. Last night I think I've hit the lowest point ever in the last couple of months. I've never felt so broken - all my hurtful memories just swamped me. I went through every single emotion imaginable - tired, stressed, hungry, happy, angry, confused, unworthy, unloved, unpure, uncared for, hurt, loved, restored, peace, serenity, joy. It was such a huge night of emotions for me.

I didnt want to reach that point. Not now at least. Not in the midst of my exams. But, I think I needed to. I needed to be broken again so that I can be restored by Him. I havent cried out to Him in such desperation for so long. I spent a good 1 1/2 hours at least crying or wallowing in self-pity and at least another one hour or so crying out to God and engaged in prayer. Initially, I didnt want to reach out to Him because I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to wallow in self-pity. Somehow, I felt comfort to be in misery but I knew that it wasnt a good state to be in. It took me some courage to say again, 'God I need You in my life. I want to find my purpose in You. Restore me and heal me. I want my validation to come from you and no one else. Teach me how to love. Teach me how to live...' In the midst of crying out to Him, I felt peace and calmness all of a sudden. IAt the end, I even felt joyful. I no longer felt unloved or unworthy but healed and restored. I continue crying not in self-pity anymore but because the presence of God is so real. Encountering God has not felt so real for so long.

And the miraculous thing is that at the end, I told God to take away my cramps that I felt because of the lack of rest. I asked God for a good night rest which was very much needed. (I almost NEVER get a good night rest ) This morning, when I woke up I felt refreshed in my spirit and mentally. On top of that, my cramps were gone. Woh. I think its because I slept very peacefully.

On a side note, my brother knocked on my door at 3 am last night to ask me why I was crying. I declined to answer him because I didnt know how to. He was extremely concerned and gave me tissues. After much futile effort of probing, he told me, 'okay, ill be in my room. If you need someone to talk to, you can always look for me. Don't cry anymore. I love you.'

I love my brother!