Conflicts

The past few days have been pretty emotionally draining for me. By nature, I’m not a very confrontational person. If I was upset with a friend or a close one, I will ponder upon it for days, months and sometimes years. Nowadays, I would try to firstly ask myself, whether I, objectively speaking, had a part to blame or whether I blowing the entire thing out of proportion. After my somewhat objective analysis, then I’ll perhaps confront the person if its worth the cause.

This week, I’ve encountered a conflict with a friend, discussed past conflicts that I had with another old friend and also listened to a story about conflicts between a different friend and her partner. So when I try to analyze all three scenarios, I summarize that the conflicts are caused by two main reasons: unmet expectations and clash in values.

Everyone has his or her own strength and weaknesses. Perhaps, you may be a good listener but your friend is not. Then, you wonder why is that person so selfish? Why does he/she only talk about himself/herself as if the world revolves around that person? But perhaps listening is not one of their strengths or if you look at it in a positive light, perhaps they like ranting out to you because they are comfortable with you, that’s why their problems always end up being the table topic. Or perhaps, a person is not good at maintaining friendships. Maybe for that person, friendships, like the seasons in a year, work in cycles. I used to hold close to my heart who I believe are my close friends. So I used to get really affected if they don’t keep in contact as often as they should. But I’ve let that expectation go. I realized that everybody is busy with their lives and I bask in the happy memories and lessons I’ve drawn from having them once in my life.

What I’ve learnt from all my reflection is to not be so affected by people’s shortcomings. What they lack in some areas, they make up in others. At the end of the day, it’s their strengths in the other areas that drew me close to them in the first place. And perhaps, their strengths are my weaknesses. If I had to really sum up all my lessons in one word, its “grace”. When we were young, we were naïve and believe all was good in this world. Then, we realized the world is not all rainbows and butterflies. Then the real test of maturity arrives, when we realize that the world can be ugly but we still choose to practice “grace” and believe the best in everyone. This test is what I call the test of adulthood.

On Candles

Every now and then I meet someone who would leave an impression on my life and even when we only had a brief encounter, that person would unknowingly change me a little. And that person does not necessarily have to be someone I’m close to. I might not even know their last name. It could be the way they carry themselves or the way she bites her lips as she carefully ponders the next question or the way he seem to ask the right questions at the most opportune time. It seems like they have this insight to a whole new world that I’ve never seen before and so I’m drawn to what I call their “x factor”. Once in a while I think about these people who have marked my life and I wonder whether they are doing okay. I wonder whether are still carrying that light in them and unconsciously lighting the candles of others as they did mine.