Touching Australian soil

Finally, I managed to send off whatever I needed to do. The last 16 hours have been torturous but it's all worth it, cause now, at 2 am, I just need to pack my bags, cook, clean the house, shower, find myself a cab, drag myself through the airport terminal and slum in one of the passenger seats. I don't think I'll be a very interesting nor chatty passenger companion tomorrow. But I do need my shut-eye!

It's been one year since I've left Australian soil and I cannot wait to head back, breathe the fresh air, run around Alexander Gardens, let grains of St Kilda beach sand run through my fingers, go penguin spotting at the pier, climb the thousand steps at the Dandenong ranges and best of all, spend Easter with my loved ones and friends.

People say you don't know what you missed till its gone. I think sometimes you won't know what you've miss till you're back.

Conflicts

The past few days have been pretty emotionally draining for me. By nature, I’m not a very confrontational person. If I was upset with a friend or a close one, I will ponder upon it for days, months and sometimes years. Nowadays, I would try to firstly ask myself, whether I, objectively speaking, had a part to blame or whether I blowing the entire thing out of proportion. After my somewhat objective analysis, then I’ll perhaps confront the person if its worth the cause.

This week, I’ve encountered a conflict with a friend, discussed past conflicts that I had with another old friend and also listened to a story about conflicts between a different friend and her partner. So when I try to analyze all three scenarios, I summarize that the conflicts are caused by two main reasons: unmet expectations and clash in values.

Everyone has his or her own strength and weaknesses. Perhaps, you may be a good listener but your friend is not. Then, you wonder why is that person so selfish? Why does he/she only talk about himself/herself as if the world revolves around that person? But perhaps listening is not one of their strengths or if you look at it in a positive light, perhaps they like ranting out to you because they are comfortable with you, that’s why their problems always end up being the table topic. Or perhaps, a person is not good at maintaining friendships. Maybe for that person, friendships, like the seasons in a year, work in cycles. I used to hold close to my heart who I believe are my close friends. So I used to get really affected if they don’t keep in contact as often as they should. But I’ve let that expectation go. I realized that everybody is busy with their lives and I bask in the happy memories and lessons I’ve drawn from having them once in my life.

What I’ve learnt from all my reflection is to not be so affected by people’s shortcomings. What they lack in some areas, they make up in others. At the end of the day, it’s their strengths in the other areas that drew me close to them in the first place. And perhaps, their strengths are my weaknesses. If I had to really sum up all my lessons in one word, its “grace”. When we were young, we were naïve and believe all was good in this world. Then, we realized the world is not all rainbows and butterflies. Then the real test of maturity arrives, when we realize that the world can be ugly but we still choose to practice “grace” and believe the best in everyone. This test is what I call the test of adulthood.

On Candles

Every now and then I meet someone who would leave an impression on my life and even when we only had a brief encounter, that person would unknowingly change me a little. And that person does not necessarily have to be someone I’m close to. I might not even know their last name. It could be the way they carry themselves or the way she bites her lips as she carefully ponders the next question or the way he seem to ask the right questions at the most opportune time. It seems like they have this insight to a whole new world that I’ve never seen before and so I’m drawn to what I call their “x factor”. Once in a while I think about these people who have marked my life and I wonder whether they are doing okay. I wonder whether are still carrying that light in them and unconsciously lighting the candles of others as they did mine.

Formidable place

One of my worst days last year happened when I was sitting on a cold leathery chair for five hours. Although the incident happened over half a year ago, I still clearly remember the smell of metal, burning flesh and gushing blood. I remember the sound of the drill. The bright light in my eyes. The whispers of uncertainty and curiosity in the room was almost drowned by the shouts of fear in my heart. Above all, I remember the sickly clinical smell of anesthesia.

I haven't been back to that place. But today, I suddenly recalled that dreadful day because I might, against my will, need to re-experience that day.

I was at the dentist attempting to remove my left bottom wisdom tooth. The dentist had injected the gums at the back of my mouth with anesthetic. We then watched the clock tick. 20 minutes passed, and another large syringe entered my mouth. Nothing I couldn't handle. It was a little more than an ant bite. We then spoke and exchange stories. She has been in practice for over 20 years, she told me. Countless wisdom teeth have been yanked at the mercy of her hands. Another half hour passed. She poked around my left cheek and asked if I felt anything. Nothing I said. What about here, she asked as she touched my lips. I said, I felt nothing. Great, she said. Let's begin. She clapped her hands in glee and grabbed her electric saw. Her shadow overcast my slumped body in the chair. But no, I still wasn't scared. I told myself that at any moment in this world, someone else would have their wisdom tooth being removed too.

My tooth was half impacted - that means she had to cut through my gums before she could yank out that unnecessary part of me (which reminds me that I need to ask God why humans are given useless appendixes). I could smell my own blood and burnt flesh. Hmm...yummy, bloody saliva. But all was still good, no pain.

Finally, the sawing has been done. My flesh was ripped. It's down to business. The dentist took out what looked like a miniature metal spade. Similar to forcing the roots of weeds out of soil, the tool is used to force teeth out of gums. She started exerting a little pressure when I suddenly felt pain. I told her to stop and I told her that I felt pain. It can't be, she said. Your gums are numb. I know, I said. It's illogical but I do feel pain. Perhaps its psychological. Just continue, I told her. So she continued. I then screamed, grabbed her hand and told her to stop.

No, it's nerve pain. My tooth is not numb at all. Definitely not pain from pressure.

It can't be, she said.

Then another anesthetic needle was injected. 30 minutes later, she continued her work. But I still felt the pain.

A more senior dentist came in to intervene. She picked a small tool with a metal end as thin as a toothpick. Can you feel this, she asked as she gently tapped my wisdom tooth. I jumped because it hurt. If you were numbed, you couldn't havent felt that she said.

Finally, she said, sew her gums back up.

I'm sorry, we don't know what went wrong. We can't help you here, we have to refer you to a more experienced specialist. We have done this work for over 20 years and have never seen such a case.

So, my gums were stitched up and like a child, unwilling to remove his face from behind his mother's skirt, my tooth remained.


Unfortunately, where I'm living now, GA is not allowed for normal dentist work. I don't think I can bear going through the experience of using LA once again. But I still have to get my wisdom tooth out as it has been causing me problems. So I might try getting them removed under IV sedation.

I read up on reasons why local anesthetic might not work and a few reasons were cited over the net:
1. Poor technique (although I doubt that this was the case because my dentist waited for a reasonably long period before attempting to remove the tooth. Also, my left side was numb all the way till the middle of my lips)
2. Anatomical Variation -that means, "you have some unusual nerve connections which mean that extra nerves supply the feeling for the tooth"
3. Raging infection - I didn't have any infection at that time
4. Anxiety - Perhaps, that's the reason.

Here's are links for failed anesthesia if anyone is interested:
http://www.nature.com/bdj/journal/v186/n1/full/4800006a.html
http://www.dentalfearcentral.org/fears/not-numb/#ehlers-danlos

2012 New Year Resolution

I've been doing resolutions as far back as I can remember. January has always been the month of excitement. Everyone anticipates a fresh start. Everybody is filled with hope that this year will be a year of success. But how do you measure success if you don't have a goal to begin with. So that's where resolutions come into the picture.

But this year, I started becoming more intentional with my resolutions. Before that, I used to have a list of about 10 items on my resolution sheet. Be more punctual, be fitter, run more often, read at least 12 book a year. But then I hardly ever achieve my resolutions, simply because many of them are written without any strategies in mind or in the grand scheme of things, many of them (like read 12 books a year) is not really that important.

I think resolutions should be called goals. Goals are less flimsy and more intentional. To have a goal is to have an aim. Resolutions is more of a list of what you should or should not do. There's no real aim.

I also believe that your yearly goal should fit somewhere within your life plan. If your life plan is to be financially free by 45, fit enough to run 10 km at any given moment, have a good relationship with your family and friends, have a business, own a house etc, then your resolutions for the year should align with your life plan. Your yearly goal should also be accompanied with strategies and a list of potential barriers.

So this year, instead of having a million different resolutions, I have only 4 resolutions (goals). This covers career, fitness, my own business and improving my Chinese language skills. The fewer goals, the better it is I say.

One of my overall strategies is to organize my life a bit better. I realized that been disorganized has caused me a lot of unnecessary stress. I started with my e-mail. I have a lot of unread mail in my inbox. The first thing I did was to archive everything. I then re-organized my labels and ensured that nothing ever stayed in my inbox. E-mails were either replied or sorted. E-mails that I left to reply later would be starred. If I don't reply within a week, I probably won't be bothered after that, hence it will be taken out of inbox into another folder or discarded.

I'm also measuring progress by jotting down many aspects of my life. I'm going to start keeping a food diary where I write down whatever I eat. Since middle last year, I've kept a fitness journal where I wrote down every workout routine I've done (including weight, reps and timing). I am also writing down whatever I do during a day, how much I weight and my body fat % (if and when measured). I estimate that this will take about 30 minutes of my time in a day but I think it will be worth it.

When I was 4: Honey stars

I am able to recall many moments of my early childhood. I always assumed that this was a normal phenomenon, only to realise that many don't recall much of their early years. I don't believe that I have a special ability or memory. I'm able to because every so often, when I'm unable to fall into the slumbers of sleep, I play a game with myself - I force myself to recall memories of my life, starting from my earliest memories. I believe that earliest memory I can recall is probably when I was 18 months old. So I'm starting a new series on my blog called: "when I was".

I've always been called butterfingers since I was young. I guess I deserved that title. Meal after meal, I'll tell myself, "Don't drop it. For once, don't drop it." But it always happened. I always spilled my rice, milk, cereal, you name it. Once, I was eating a bowl of cereals. I don't remember the name of the cereal. But it was golden in colour, shaped like stars and tasted sweet, like it was coated with honey. (Perhaps it was called, honey stars?) I remember it being yummy and I was in euphoria. But my euphoria moment didn't last long, before I knew it, I was sent into the fast-speed elevator and descended back onto earth. I had dropped the entire bowl of honey stars cereal. Unlike Van Gogh who painted the sky with stars above Cafe Terrace, I painted the carpet of the apartment with my stars.

O no. Big blunder. I would be scolded for sure. Lucky for me, being a lactose-intolerant baby, the cereal was dry. Otherwise, I might not be here to write this entry. Anyway, having grown a long white beard, I twirled it with my right index finger and in my infinite wisdom, came up with a brilliant thought, "I shall hide the cereal under the beanbag. No one would know. After all, it could have been anybody in this household."

So I did just that. I dragged the beanbag across the hallway and placed it on top the evidence. Problem solved.

A few days later, my mum discovered the evidence. "Who did this?" she asked. I kept quiet. After all, my brilliant coverup had no loopholes in it.

Little did I know, I was the only one in the household who ate honey stars.

When I was 4: Ribena

I am able to recall many moments of my early childhood. I always assumed that this was a normal phenomenon, only to realise that many don't recall much of their early years. I don't believe that I have a special ability or memory. I'm able to because every so often, when I'm unable to fall into the slumbers of sleep, I play a game with myself - I force myself to recall memories of my life, starting from my earliest memories. I believe that earliest memory I can recall is probably when I was 18 months old. So I'm starting a new series on my blog called: "when I was".

I've always loved cooking and having high teas from a very young age. But tea wasn't tea when you were 4. 4 year old children sip air from plastic cups and cooked plastic pasta on stoves without heat. Still, it was fun all the same.

I was having one of usual play dates with my father, cooking and eating plastic food with plastic cutlery on plastic pans and plates.

"Can I have ribena please?" I asked my dad.

"Sure. Here you go!" he said as he handed me over a purple cup.

"hahaha!" I laughed and squealed. "No, I mean the real ribena!" I said.

"It's real ribena!" he said as he continued holding out the cup.

"No, no, no!" I laughed till my sides hurt because the 4 year old me found it hilarious that I couldn't quite explain what real ribena was.

It is weird that I'll still find it funny today? =)

When I was 4: Life

I am able to recall many moments of my early childhood. I always assumed that this was a normal phenomenon, only to realise that many don't recall much of their early years. I don't believe that I have a special ability or memory. I'm able to because every so often, when I'm unable to fall into the slumbers of sleep, I play a game with myself - I force myself to recall memories of my life, starting from my earliest memories. I believe that earliest memory I can recall is probably when I was 18 months old. So I'm starting a new series on my blog called: "when I was".

My first brush with death was my dead fish that jumped to its death from an ice cream container. Earlier that night, my family and I were dining at our usual Chinese restaurant. We were usual patrons there and I remember that we always received a warm reception from the staff there. I guess the head waiter/manager must have liked me or perhaps, it was a seasonal gift, but I was presented with a tiny fish in a tied up plastic bag. It was my first "pet". That night, we (or rather one of my parents) untied the bag and placed the fish in an empty ice cream container. Later, before bedtime, I went to check on my pet fish but found it lying limp on the carpeted floor. It must have jumped out, my dad said.

When I was 18 months old

I am able to recall many moments of my early childhood. I always assumed that this was a normal phenomenon, only to realise that many don't recall much of their early years. I don't believe that I have a special ability or memory. I'm able to because every so often, when I'm unable to fall into the slumbers of sleep, I play a game with myself - I force myself to recall memories of my life, starting from my earliest memories. I believe that earliest memory I can recall is probably when I was 18 months old. So I'm starting a new series on my blog called: "when I was".

I don't recall too much of my 1.5 year life. I have only two mental snapshots of that period in my short life. The first snapshot was in Mt Buller, Victoria, Australia. My extended family were up in the mountains for a ski trip. I was obviously too young to ski. All I remember was the dark sky with heavy snow. I remember it being cold and gloomy, with a wooden signboard in front of me. We must be standing in front of a restaurant or a hotel.

My second memory is being in Singapore. I remember being on an escalator in a shopping centre in Singapore. I remember that my parents had bought a large Mercedes toy car for me, one that I could sit in and pretend I was legal to drive. It came equipped with batteries and pedals. All I can recall was my dad carrying the car (probably in the toy box) and the long escalator ride. Sometimes, when I'm gallivanting the shopping paradise island, I still find myself looking around, hoping for something to "click", to see whether I can recall the exact shopping center we were in, the long escalator engrained in my memory.

An evening adventure with a friend’s 4 year old child.

“Jesse, let’s catch some stars together!”

“Weee!!!” He bent his tiny knees and leaped like a little frog up into the sky. He had his arms spread open, reaching for the highest star he could.

I grabbed an invisible star and placed it in my mouth. “Yummy!” I exclaimed.

“What is yummy?”

“The stars are so yummy! I can taste…mmmm…chocolate and strawberries. What do you taste?”

He grabbed the wind and clutched his tiny fingers and brought them to his mouth. He opened and closed his mouth, grinded his teeth, made a chewing motion and licked his lips. He paused for one second like a little professor in deep thought. His eyes then lit up and he said, “I taste chocolate too! And strawberries. And ice cream. I love ice cream! I love stars!”

“Let’s grab more stars,” I said excitedly to him.

We ran along the pedestrian pathway and leaped up like little frogs. We leaped and leaped till we reached the moon. There, we sat by the pond covered by lotuses eating ice cream, chocolate and strawberry flavoured stars.

Mediocrity and procrastination

The room is full of shadows. The lonely fluorescent lamp had been flickering for the past six months but he hasn’t had it changed. It slowed down his reading and work progress because it made his eyes tired. But I can still read, he reasons.

The girl in the photo, 2007

I stared at the girl. I felt a slight notion of pain and envy. She had on a summery flowery top with frills at the bottom. She had a huge grin spread across her face. Her laughter seemed so genuine. Her eyes twinkled mischievously. She had messy locks and curls flowing from her head. A few strands of hair defying gravity, rebelled against her. Salty water and the gentle breeze touched her lips and tiny droplets hung on to her skin. The waves were up to the buckles of her knees. Part of her denim shorts were drenched in sea salt. She didn’t seem to mind. I saw white waves rolling in like froth on a cappuccino. I saw the clean blue sky speckled with flying seagulls. At the most front of the photo, there was the happy girl.

It was 2007. It was a time of happiness.

Snippets of my Asian Education - Part I, the Voiceless

She wasn’t very tall. She had a sturdy built. Hair up to the shoulders. A pair of round, gold glasses sat on the bridge of her nose. She always wore a conservative dress.

I haven’t spoken much to her before. After all, I was considered a quiet child. One who spoke little to others, what more to authorities.

You are lying, she said sternly to me. You know what they do to kids who lie, she asked me? I lowered my gaze and stared at my pristine white Velcro shoes. My mum always made sure my shoes were spotless. She continued, there’s a machine in the teacher’s staff room. They put lying kids in the chair and put the machine on their heads. We use that machine to tell whether you are lying or not.

I swallowed my saliva and tried to blink back tears. I said nothing. I didn’t know how to explain myself, aside from repeating the words, “I’m not lying.”

We took a class test a few days before. It was an easy test where we had to name parts of a snail in the Malay language. There were the eyes, the tail, the shell and the tentacles. Sesunggut it was called. Tentacles = sesunggut. With a double “g”. But back in the old days, like illustrated on the chart pasted at the back of the classroom wall, it was spelled with a single “g”.

Class, you may start the test. Remember not to cheat and not to look at the chart.

I scored almost a perfect score, except there was a problem. I spelled sesunggut with a single “g”, like in the chart.

She called me up front and called me a cheat. Why did you look at the chart? I didn’t, I said timidly. So why did you spell it similarly to the chart. I don’t know, I mumbled. So you cheated, she accused me.

I thought about it for a long time. Why did I spell it the similar way? It’s because I’m always at the back of the classroom where the chart is located when I drink my water or sharpen my pencils. I stare at the chart while doing it. I have somewhat a photographic memory. I must have memorized the chart.

But I couldn’t voice my thoughts. The words couldn’t and wouldn’t form in my mouth. I didn’t know how to form a rationale argumentative statement to state my case. Before her existence in my life, I’ve never been accused of anything I’ve never done before.

For the first time, the 7 year old me, with tears quietly streaming down my face, sat alone in the cafeteria and cried out to God.

Hello world

I've been extremely disconnected from the blogging world. That being said, I do keep a fitness blog, where I just down my fitness progress. But there's nothing like writing as an outlet of emotional expression. I lost my dot net domain as a result of my sheer procrastination. I kept saying "tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow" for 30 days leading up to the date of my domain expiration. A week after it expired, I finally decided to put an end to my laziness and renew the domain. I clicked on the link and I couldn't do it. Guess what, a week later, some idiotic company bought my domain and if I want my domain back, I would need to pay USD600 or higher. I am not paying that ridiculous amount for my a domain with my own name. I'm so angry at companies that take advantage of situations like this. Why would they buy my name? Sigh. I can complain all I want. But I've learn my lesson. Don't procrastinate. Expect the unlikely - that is even if your name is pretty rare and the chances of someone else (or in this case, company) wanting to acquire your name seems pretty low to you, don't take the risk. Secure your property.

Revelation

From tonight's episode at home:

Me: Do you want ginseng chicken soup?
Brother: No.
Me: Why not? It's good for you.
Brother: No.

*5 minutes later I placed a bowl of ginseng soup in front of him*

An hour later:

Me: Do you want probiotic pills?
Brother: No.
Me: It's good for you.
Brother: Okay, I'll have one.
Me: Take two.
Brother: Okay.


















Is this a revelation of the kind of mother I will be? O o...

Help

I'm struggling for healthy breakfast ideas. After months of the usual yoghurt and muesli routine, I'm getting tired of it. I don't quite like drinking milk, plus I never finish my carton of milk in the fridge hence milk with muesli is not an option.

I don't quite like eating toast because it's not enticing enough and it's not exactly healthy.


What's a healthy, yummy and easy-to-make breakfast alternative?

New blog header

haha, i created it because i wanted to play around with photoshop. Don't think it will be up for long though, only till I come up with something better (or more meaningful).

Out with the old and in with the new

Its 12 am and I'm a hyper bunny right now. I just had two cups of coffee and a pot of tea! I was out for coffee with a bunch of girlfriends and I was really zoning out of the conversation. My mind gets that way sometimes but tonight I was so out of it to the point that I think I was being downright rude.

"So jo, are you coming for the event?"

"Sorry, what event again?"

"Event xyz"

"Em, when is it again?"

So coffee it was! Felt much better after that. Unfortunately, I'm really hyper right now. I will use my energy to blog!

Anyway, a month ago, I've decided to make the courageous move to chop off my long hair. I've been deliberating for a while but I've never had the guts to do it. You see its a big deal to me because the last time I had short hair, I was 4 years old. After that, it was long hair all the way.

Long hair felt like a safety net. Horrible fringe? That's okay, your long hair will make up for it. Chubby cheeks? Your long hair will cover it. Hairdresser having pms and gave you a bad hair cut? Get your hair cut again - there's room (hair) for error.

One fine day, last month, I've decided to book an appointment at the hairdressers. Counting down to THE day, I've sought various opinions from different people on whether I should make that bold move. I think there were 9 nays and only 1 ay. So on the day of the appointment, I decided to cancel my slot. But when i arrived, I felt bad for doing a last minute cancellation and thought that I should just get a trim anyway.

An hour later, I walked away with a short bob and feeling 100 kgs lighter. Allow me to tell you what changed my fickle mind again.

It was simple. It was the hairdresser's taunting. She taunted me, I tell you. It was like a dare.

Upon sitting down on the chair, she asked me, "How would you like your hair cut?"

Me: Do you think short hair would suit me?

She: Short hair can suit anyone. It depends on whether you like it or not.

Me: Hm, but what do you think works for me?

10 second pause

She: You should just stick with long hair.

Me: Why?

Another 10 second pause (I think it was deliberate, for dramatic effect)

She: Cause you're not ready.

Me: Why do you say that?

She: Cause I just know it. I can see it in a customer. I'll know whether she is ready or not. You are not ready.

Me: What? Maybe I'm ready. I want to cut my hair short.

She: Most customers walk in here thinking they are ready but really, they are not. They walk away regretting their decisions. I don't want you to regret yours.

Me: I'm ready! Cut my hair short.

She: You sure you won't regret this?

Me: I'm sure. Just do it now before i change my mind. Quickly, take the first snip!

So within seconds, she chops off a huge chuck of my hair.

And you know what, I felt nothing - no regret nor pain. On the contrary, I immediately embraced my new look. In fact, I'm thinking of cutting it even shorter. Since it's already short, I might as well go for the full effect. After all, hair grows =)


Using Mac webcam




When my hair is styled

The eye

I'm finally making use of my wacom tablet. For the first time ever, I've decided to experiment in digital art. It is so fascinating! Sigh, should have discovered this earlier! I'm having a ball just playing with my tablet and experimenting with different colours and digital tools!

Drawing/painting digitally was quite daunting initially because its definitely not the same as drawing on paper. You can't physically blend colours together and its a strange feeling having to look elsewhere (screen) while your pen manouvers around the tablet. I was really clumsy with the digital pen at first but after a while, I started warming up to it.

Here's my first sketch ever~! It's very raw but I'm quite satisfied considering this is my first try =)




Same piece as above, but i added subtle "noise" (texture) to the skin.

I'm loving my disney songs

Ever since I can remember, my dad had always complains that "they don't make songs like they used to anymore". He claims that modern songs are mostly just noise without any real meaning. And every time some current singer makes a remake of a classic old song, my dad goes, "you see, songs of my generation are so good that modern singers make a remake of them."

*roll eyes*

But in recent years, I've been catching myself saying the same stuff as my dad as well.

They don't make disney movies like they used to anymore!

Disney movies these days have no meaning. The young audience only want to laugh at silly things the cartoon characters do. I miss the whole wicked stepmother, prince charming and happy ever after concept. Nobody can get bored of a good fairy tale. In my opinion, the last great disney movie was toy story (the fact that the soundtrack was awesome is an added bonus). Okay, and maybe..finding Nemo.

Other that that, boo yah. nothing great.

Here are some of my favourite disney songs:

Mulan: A girl worth fighting for


Cinderella: Mouse song


The little Mermaid: Kiss the girl


Beauty and the Beast: Belle